I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
