Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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