I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
