fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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