Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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