I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
