Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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