I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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