3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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