I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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