Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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