"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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