I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
