Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
