I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
