im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
