Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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