so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize