I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
