Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
