But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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