my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
