I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
