I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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