my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
