my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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