i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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