They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
