Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
