Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
