Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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