We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
