Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
