So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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