Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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