he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
