I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
