your parents love me but you hate me
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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