How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
