Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
