I faked an abortion last night.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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