1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dear god my vagina.
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