My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
