I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
