One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
