Cold hands, warm shart.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
