He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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