Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
