can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
