If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
