Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
we should paint friendship bongs
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
