She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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