he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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