Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
