If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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