god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
