i permit you to call me
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize