Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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