anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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