Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
please come you make the beer taste better
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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