you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
